Academic Paper Regarding Pornography and Marriage
This is a paper that I submitted for my “Integration of Theology into the Counseling Process” class. We were permitted to select a topic of interest, and I chose to write my paper about pornography. In this paper, you will see how Adam and Eve factor strongly in today’s struggle that couples have with pornography. It affects men and women differently, and you might be surprised how temptations and difficulties stem from the curses that Adam and Eve suffered as a consequence of their actions. A significant problem is that men and women tend to talk past each other when they explain their perspectives and desires regarding sexuality.
There are many studies on pornography, but their quality varies significantly. For my paper, I used only the research that objectively monitored the health of a marriage over the long-term. I noticed that some research takes a positive view of pornography suggesting it can even help a marriage. However, the long-term studies conclusively show that porn damages marriage.
Special Topic Paper: Pornography in a Christian Marital Context
Robert Rust
Counseling Department, Johnson University
COUN 5200: Integrating Theology and Therapy
Dr. Sean Ridge
March 20, 2022
Special Topic Paper: Pornography in a Christian Marital Context
“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body. The man and his wife were both naked, yet they felt no shame” (NABRE, Genesis 2:24-25). God created Adam and Eve and brought them together as the first married couple. Traditionally, Christians have held this initial union as the ideal model for marriage since it took place before the fall. The faithful have placed significant value on the oneness of the union between man and wife. “As a mutual gift of two persons, this intimate union and the good of the children impose total fidelity on the spouses and argue for an unbreakable oneness between them” (Flannery, 1975, p. 950).
Unbreakable oneness is reflected in the words of Genesis, where it says that Adam and Eve became one body. It does not make sense to take one body and divide it into two or more bodies. Any attempt to do so would either destroy the body altogether or severely damage it. The nudity exhibited by Adam and Eve takes on additional meaning since they felt no shame. Nothing was hidden between Adam and Eve; before the fall, neither person had a reason to hide anything from the other.
In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve experienced true freedom. However, God issued curses upon Adam and Eve due to the fall, and they were expelled from Eden. On the one hand, Adam and Eve may have felt as if they lacked freedom in the garden since they were not permitted to eat the fruit of the tree. On the other hand, however, they failed to see that taking what is not theirs is not an exercise of freedom but is a violation of the other. Their newly obtained lack of freedom is depicted by their expulsion from the garden, where their suffering grew.
The Fall and Pornography
Curses on Man and Woman
God handed down curses to Adam and Eve, and these curses are carried by men and women today. Eve’s well-known curse is that she will experience pain in childbirth. The lesser-known curse is described when God says, “Yet your urge shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you” (Genesis, 3:16). Here, the woman’s curse is to have a great desire for her husband. This urge will be discussed in this paper as it relates to pornography.
Adam’s curses also play into today’s pornography problem. God said, “Cursed is the ground because of you! In toil you shall eat its yield all the days of your life. Thorns and thistles it shall bear for you, and you shall eat the grass of the field” (Genesis, 3:17-18). So the man’s curse is that significant effort is required to provide, and other elements like thorns and thistles make unwelcomed appearances.
Men’s Curse-Driven Attraction to Pornography
Emmers-Sommer (2018) asked people the reasons they engage in pornography. Her study concluded that most people view pornography in solitary conditions for masturbation. She also points out that men engage in pornography far more often than women. Note how the solitary nature of porn works against the unbreakable oneness seen in marriage before the fall. Smith (2017) lists emotional drivers for men’s consumption of pornography. He argues that men find it much easier to use porn than to put effort into their relationships. This is because the porn-based fantasy partners are always happy, always ready, and never get tire of fulfilling the man’s desires. In this dream world, the man seems to bypass the curse of extended efforts to provide. If he were to make a real effort, he would have sweat on his brow and thorns and thistles would make it harder than expected. Real-world issues, such as their spouse’s physical needs, may prevent, delay, or derail his sexual plans.
Women’s Curse-Driven Repulsion to Spouse’s Pornography Use
Zitzman and Butler (2009) explore the impact that a wife feels when she learns that her husband uses pornography. They focus primarily on the degradation of the healthy attachment toward her husband. They say that the husband’s pornography use develops a “fault line in the relationship, stemming from perceived attachment infidelity” (p. 210). In other words, that unbreakable unity becomes corrupted by mistrust. Zitzman and Butler (2009) say that almost all of the interviewed women expressed intensively negative emotions towards their husband’s porn use. They used words like “devastating,” “horrible,” “stunned,” “numb” (p. 221). At the same time, the women expressed conflicted emotions because they still desired affection from their husbands.
Shaw (1999) also studied women’s reactions to their husband’s use of pornography. She found that women experienced intensely negative responses such as fear and a loss of self-esteem. They also experienced a decline in their overall relationships with men. At the same time, the women in Shaw’s study felt they did not have a legitimate reason to complain about pornography. Therefore, the women felt hurt, isolated, and betrayed.
The curse where the women’s urge is for her husband brings up some intense conflicts. On the one hand, she desires to be the focus of her husband’s attention. On the other hand, however, when she learns that her husband has decided to occupy his time and attention with pornography, she experiences the painful emotions listed above. In her mind, she is somehow not good enough. Yet, at the same time, she will wish to receive the love and attention that the husband promised to give her on their wedding day. Depression can result from these conflicting emotions (Zitzman & Butler, 2009).
Research on the Marital Impacts of Pornography Use
Perry (2018) examined a national database to evaluate the long-term impact of pornography use. A large sample of over 600 people answered questionnaires in 2006 and again later in 2012. Perry compared the marital outcome for couples that reported porn use in 2006 to couples that did not. He found that divorce occurred at a higher rate for couples where pornography was consumed. This finding held even when he controlled for the couple’s perceived marital quality. Thus, even if a couple reports their marriage to have a high marital quality, they will still more likely end up divorced six years later if pornography is viewed (Perry, 2018).
Perry and Schleifer (2018) explored another longitudinal study where people reported either starting or discontinuing pornography use. The data showed many of the same results from the previous study, except this study added the detail that starting pornography use increases the probability of divorce while stopping the use decreased the chances of divorce. This trend was especially true for younger couples, even if they were not religious. In general, Perry and Schleifer show that pornography use is associated with divorce.
Doran and Price (2014) explored how extramarital affairs and marital happiness were predicted by pornography use. Their study of over 10,000 couples found that watching just one X-rated movie in the past year increased the odds of an extramarital affair and divorce. Not surprisingly, couples affected by pornography consumption also reported less overall happiness in addition to less sexual satisfaction. Doran and Price emphasize that the correlation between the problematic outcomes of pornography consumption has become more robust in time, even though pornography is more readily available.
Short et al. (2014) studied the impact internet pornography had on a range of wellbeing measures, including the viewer’s relationship with God and their overall spirituality. They found that while religious individuals were less likely to view pornography, it interfered with their relationship with God for those who did. They also report that their spirituality suffered in addition to their marriage, job, and general health.
Lambert et al. (2012) explored pornography’s impact on relational commitment across five studies. Their research agrees with the prior research listed in this paper, where pornography use predicts negative outcomes. Couples affected by pornography use exhibited less commitment to the relationship. Therefore, they were more likely to engage in activities that invite extradyadic activity, such as flirting with strangers or extramarital affairs. This pattern held true even when study participants were randomly assigned the task of viewing pornography or refraining from it. The group randomly assigned to view pornography exhibited less commitment in their relationships. Bernarte et al. (2016) performed a similar study on Filipino married individuals and obtained the same results: internet pornography correlates with reduced relational commitment and increased extramarital affairs.
Christian Tradition and Marital Fidelity
The Ten Commandments say, “You shall not commit adultery.” This command speaks of the act of having sexual relations outside of marriage. However, Jesus tells his disciples that if one merely looks at a woman with lust, they have committed the grave sin of adultery with her in his heart (Matthew, 5:28). When one views pornography, he is doing precisely what Jesus warned against doing; they look with lust at another woman. When followed, Jesus’ command helps couples avoid some of the the pain, difficulty, and suffering associated with marital discord. Jesus is trying to help his followers experience a better life, and this can be easily understood given the damage that pornography does to marital relationships. Some may view the warning to avoid lusting after another woman as an attack on a man's freedom with an active imagination. However, it looks like the freedom to lust after another woman has some similar characteristics as the freedom to eat the fruit of the tree in the garden. In both cases, the person goes against God’s command, and in both cases, they suffer consequences for rejecting God’s teaching.
In his address to the Religious Alliance Against Pornography, Pope John Paul II pointed out the conflict between apparent freedom and true freedom related to sexuality. He argued that when humans seek to engage in activities that are not good for them, many incorrectly call that freedom. However, he points out that these actions end up “limiting man’s true freedom – the interior freedom of the spirit” (John Paul II, 1992, p.1). He then discusses the implications that pornography presents to families. He says that “the family is usually the first to suffer from pornography” (John Paul II, 1992, p.2). Given that the relational strength between husband and wife diminishes with pornography use, families suffer consequences. Due to these issues, he claims that pornography is an evil that must be fought.
In the 1980s, video-based pornography began to spread due to technology, and the increased use alarmed many Christians. The Pontifical Council for Social Communications issued a document highlighting societal issues associated with pornography. They point out that porn reduces the human person to a body, which then becomes an anonymous object of misuse to gratify concupiscence. Furthermore, the council complains that pornography degrades the meaning and purpose of sexuality in a marital context. Also, they express concern about the harm that it will bring to human relationships and to the moral fiber of society in general.
Pornography and Suffering
As explained above, couples commonly experience negative consequences when affected by pornography. The relational health of the marriage degrades; trust is reduced, and dissatisfaction becomes an issue. In many cases, the couple’s communication breaks down, and each person in the marriage feels alone and isolated. Should they fail to weather the storm, they may seek to divorce. Sometimes, divorce can seem like a helpful solution to a challenging problem. However, some couples may not appreciate the difficulties they will eventually experience (Amato, 2000). Amato argues that while some may eventually recover from the effects of divorce, others experience lasting problems even as they go on to other relationships. If children are involved, the couple experiences pain and difficulty as they try to raise their children in less-than-optimal circumstances.
Sometimes, heroic virtue combined with appropriate circumstances may allow a couple to keep their marriage intact instead of letting it disintegrate. When a spouse is unfaithful, the other spouse may experience justifiable anger due to the betrayal and deception; this emotionally hurt spouse is often called an injured spouse. Should the wounded party choose to divorce, few would blame them for their choice. Many in society say that the divorced party receives the rejection they deserve. When an injured spouse chooses to work through the hurt for the sake of the marriage, they consider more than their pain. They may be willing to endure hardship for the sake of their children’s future, their spouse’s future, or even their own future. The choice to suffer for the sake of others exhibits heroic virtue. When Jesus died on the cross, he chose to suffer for the sake of others. Therefore, the injured spouse might decide to follow Jesus’ example by working to restore the relationship.
While there may be cases when everyone benefits from the restoration of a marriage, this is not always true. For example, when one spouse abuses the other, it is not virtuous to enable a perpetrator by volunteering to be a victim. It is often better and more loving to leave the abuser and dissolve the marriage. Therefore, the counselor must mindfully remain aware that the virtuous choice is not always obvious. In some cases, the best option results in divorce. In other cases, the best long-term alternative is to stay married despite the short-term pain. So, counselors are there to work with the couple but not necessarily argue for a “best answer” since this may be difficult to discern in the therapy room.
Counseling Christian Marriages in the Aftermath of Pornography
A relational crisis can occur when a woman discovers that her husband uses pornography (Zitzman and Butler, 2009). Women generally do not have a favorable view of pornography, especially in a Christian context. Couples may come to counseling in response to the relational crisis brought about by pornography.
Curses vs. Understanding
Couples may not be aware of the curses that they experience due to the fall of humankind. Husbands may not appreciate the urge that their wives experience toward them. How the man spends his free time and to what degree he considers his spouse's needs may have more impact on his wife than he appreciates. How much more impactfully may a woman experience disappointment if her husband views other women engaged in sexual activity?
At the same time, women may not appreciate the persistent difficulties men experience as they work to provide or care for the couple’s needs. The man may become exhausted or feel worn out due to the continual challenges. If the husband becomes overwhelmed to the point he can no longer cope, he may view pornography as an easy way to meet his needs. By viewing the images, he can fantasize feel-good experiences instead instead of working for real solutions.
Too often, one spouse may assume the motives behind the actions of the other. In the case of pornography, the woman may believe that the man is profoundly disappointed in her. Alternatively, she may assume that he has judged her to be generally unattractive or sexually uninteresting. As for the man, he may conclude that the woman demands more of him than he can deliver. He may think that she has judged him to be generally unproductive or sexually impotent.
In the therapy room, exploring these misunderstandings with the couple may help them develop a new and better appreciation for each other. The man might begin to welcome the woman’s urge to share more of his free time. The woman might begin to grasp the struggle the man experiences in his efforts to productively and effectively provide for the couple or family. The increased understanding creates intensified unity, which can help the couple heal from their crisis-induced relational rupture.
Receiving vs. Taking
The fall of humankind occurs when Adam and Eve take that which is not theirs; they did not receive the fruit of the tree; they took it. Adam and Eve didn’t obey God’s command to refrain from eating the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. Instead, they decided to take something they knew was not theirs to take. All the other fruits in the garden had been given to them, and when they ate that food, it was something that they received and did not take. There is a significant difference between receiving something given and taking what has not been given.
In the marital embrace, the man and woman give themselves to each other. However, when one person in the marriage places sexual demands on the other, they no longer share a mutually giving embrace. Instead, one is taking from the other. Similarly, when one person engages in a pornography-driven fantasy, they are taking from others and are not receiving. This error of taking may occur in isolation, but it alters the way the porn user thinks about how two people enter into the marital embrace; they may be less interested in meeting the other person’s needs in subsequent sexual interactions. Thus, watching porn can create enduring consequences that prevent the couple from engaging in a mutually self-giving marital embrace.
A counselor can assist the couple as they navigate their way from taking to mutually self-giving. This process requires that each member in the marriage step outside their experience to fully appreciate what the other person is experiencing. When an injured party chooses this path, their experience can be painful and filled with suffering. However, improved communication and an increased depth of understanding can develop in this challenging journey. In this way, the couple follows Jesus’ example by picking up their cross and following him. “Then Jesus told his disciples, ‘If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me” (ESV, Matthew 16:24).
References
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